Walking with God

Over the last week it's been on the back of my mind that I am not as close to God as I used to be.

I don't know if this an age thing, and in growing up I have become less 'emotion based' and so I don't get the 'bubbly feelings' any more. Or maybe I'm just in a time where I don't 'need' God so obviously. Of course, I always need Him, but throughout my first year at Aber I suffered from depression and my family was going through a really tough time, in this year I felt God really closely. I guess life in general is much better than it was and I'm no longer suffering from depression, maybe then I don't need so much obvious support and closeness to keep me going.

I've just found it difficult remembering walking with Him and being close to Him, being confident of who I was in Him and in His love for me. I know things are always greener on the other side, and I'm not saying it was like this all the time, but I just miss it.

I remember walking around Aber, on the sea front or up Constitution Hill and feeling God there, right next to me. I used to feel Him in my room with me and I'd regularly worship at the top of my lungs in my room and spend hours with Him reading my Bible.

I'm currently in the process of reading three books: 1. Growing in Christ, 2. Knowing God, 3. Disciplines of a Godly Woman. They have already taught me quite a bit. I've finished the first section of Growing in Christ and it was really helpful at looking at the basics of the Christian faith, in a lot of detail. Packer goes through the Apostle's Creed bit by bit and explains it, taking each section back to Christ's faithfulness and love for us. Knowing God looks at more practical ways of getting to really know God and Disciplines of a Godly Woman (which I've only just really started) looks at spiritual discipline that will help us grow.

While all these books focus on the Gospel and God's greatness and are really very great, I've finding it hard to understand the Gospel in its fullness again, I just don't know how. I've been working my way through John's gospel which has been really helpful, but again I'm left with the same issue. - It feels awkward.

I feel really very awkward when I feel like God may be drawing closer, and so I push away. I don't want to, its just a reaction. I find the same thing when I pray with people or talk with people about God, I just feel like 'whoa this is so cheesy and cringe worthy'.

I do know that God is good, and I know He is faithful, but I want to be able to walk with Him again and not feel awkward, not feel cheesy and not feel weird. He is a good God and I know that in His time He will bring me back into His arms.

Drive time

Tuesday (23rd) I got to spend nearly a whole day with my sisters, it was wonderful!

I had to collect them from a little cottage half an hour outside of Aberystwyth where they were staying with my grandparents then drive them home to Nottinghamshire to my mum... my granddad had welled up when we were getting ready to leave and told to me to make sure I drove very carefully as if anything happened to us it'd kill him... no pressure!! (Of course, I do tend to drive carefully and wouldn't want anything to happen anyway)

After I picked them up we drove back to Aberystwyth. I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye again yet and wanted to show my sisters my new house... we then went to the beach for a while...

After playing around for a bit we then set off to Nottingham... However, not long out of Aber, we had to make another photo stop!

The journey back was hilarious. The three of us sang at the top of our voices for close to 5 hours non-stop! Our throats were starting to hurt by the end... but it was worth it!

Esther also took lots of photos of the Welsh countryside on the way back, but they're her photos so I shan't put them up here as I don't want to get done for copyright! :P

I really enjoyed the drive back, and while it is always scary driving with both of them in the car (all mum's eggs in one basket), it was wonderful spending some fun time with them. I definitely feel like I'm growing closer to them! :) 

The Shack

I know writing a post about The Shack now seems a little outdated but today I finished reading it.

I started reading The Shack nearly a year ago but put it down when uni reading became more of a priority, I picked it up today and finished it.

This book is such an emotional roller-coaster... and the emotion it brings is wonderful. I really like a book that brings me in and The Shack certainly achieves that.

The story is beautiful.

While it is beautiful and emotive and a wonderful piece of written work, sadly it has had a lot of controversy around it.

After The Shack was published it received an immediate response from the Christian community praising how amazing the book was and how it would be an amazing tool for evangelism. In fact, the cover of the book quotes "This book has the potential to do for our generation what John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress did for his. It's that good!".

However, after the immidiate hype came a somewhat longer lasting criticism of the book as theologically incorrect. Some of the issues include the portrayal of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Another is that of the 'logistics' of forgiveness.

Reading this book, I must admit that, as the writer states will probably occur, I am left with a greater desire for close relationship with God. Despite possible theological inaccuracies.

I think there are a couple of important things to remember when reading The Shack;

1. It was written by a non-Christian as a fictional book... he is not a theologian.

2. We should always question what we read. There are many books written which we, the Christian community, will priase simply because it is written by Wayne Grudem, John Piper, John Stott etc. We still need to question what we read and come to conclusions for our selves. This works in two ways. Firstly, we engage in what we are reading greater and therefore take away more. Secondly, we are not naive when discussing 'hot topics' such as the theological correctness of The Shack; I have had too many conversations about The Shack with people criticising it without having read it themselves.

The issue of the portrayal of God the Father ('Papa') in The Shack firstly as a woman I know has caused many to react. I would like to state however that God is outside gender. Our God is greater than our imagination and our understanding. Also, in The Shack, 'Papa' later appears as a man, a Father, He explains that Mack's issues with his father led to his needing to see God as outside of gender, and approach Him first as a big black woman to break down his stereotypes and his problems with "fathers". This, I believe, reveals God greatly! God reveals Himself understanding of our needs and difficulties, and in a way best restoring our relationship with Him.

How beautiful is that?!

I would urge anyone and everyone to read The Shack. It will bring you to tears, make you laugh, and leave you with a greater desire to know God personally. I have never read such a beautiful and challenging story... other than that of Jesus of course...

Blessings x

Sunshine and sleep

A week and a half after Marseilles and I need a holiday again!

After handing in two essays on Monday, I'm not happy that I have yet another two essays to write before the end of next week. It has completely worn me out! Though I don't think the essays are all to blame. The SUN!

The sun has been absolutely wonderful over the last week, really bright and warm... BUT when it comes to being woken up at 6.30/7.00 every day, it's not so great. I do love my window and my amazing sea view, but I really wish the sun would wait till 7.30/8.00 to wake me up! I'm looking forward to the clocks changing in two weeks time so this will be the case. I just want to be able to sleep! I try to be in bed around 12 every night (tonight I've been in bed since 9.30!) so I can get a good nights sleep, but I just don't want to be woken up before my alarm. It's nice every now and then, but not every day, and definitely not during essay period!

So, rant about the sun over, essays... So I've written an essay on conflict in Africa, which was actually really enjoyable to write, and an essay on on-line news sources, which wasn't so enjoyable, but now I'm writing an essay on the Rwandan genocide, and an essay on human trafficking. Makes for a pretty fun week, not! Though I do find it interesting, and maybe if I was getting proper sleep I wouldn't be so wound up.

However, on a more positive note, I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday night was Tom's birthday 'do'; 12 of us went to Pier Brasserie for a meal and then some of us went back to Tom's to play Scattegories and Jungle Speed. It was quite weird for me as it was the first time I've ever been the girlfriend for someone's birthday, so things like cake came down to me. I was actually really nervous. There was no way I was going to bake a cake as that would have made me so much more nervous, what if it went wrong and no one liked it?!, so a Cadbury Flake cake it was. Can't go wrong with chocolate!

Sunday was also a really good day. I spent the day with God. I came back from church, put some worship music on then did some painting while singing. I then did a bit of reading and listened to a talk while sat in my window watching everyone on the beach and the promenade. It was a beautiful day. I'm still working through Faith Like a Child and what I read on Sunday was really great. At church we were told to offer a gift that we have to God and ask him to use it. I had absolutely no idea what to write, and after a while I settled with empathy. One of the chapters I later read was on exactly that. It started off with a little story:

'I'm fond of the story about the young girl who took a while returning form the candy store. Her worried mother met her at the door and inquired, "Sweetheart, what took you so long?"
   The girl replied, "I saw a little girl crying because her doll baby was broken."
   The mother said, " That was nice of you to stop to help her fix it."
   "No, mommy," said the girl. " I stopped to cry with her".'

After reading this, I sat and wept. It was just beautiful, and I could totally understand. Several months ago Tom and I were watching Spooks, in the episode we were watching one of the main characters, Danny, died. The episode, and the one before, had been on torture. After this episode I sat and wept for about 2 hours! I was heartbroken at the torture. Just to explain, it wasn't solely because of Spooks, I was also doing a module on terrorism at the time and we had been looking at torture. I was gutted at the fact people torture and are tortured all around the world. This is a personality trait that I have and it is why I am doing my course, I cannot sit back and just let this pass by. Today I've been looking at human trafficking and the statistics are terrible! We cannot let things like this go on around us, especially as Christians!

Anyway, aside from the terrible state this world is in, I found Sunday really encouraging. God really spoke to me about the way He sees me. Galatians 3 vs 16 says 'Now the promises were made to Abraham and to his offspring. It does not say, "and to offsprings", referring to many, but referring to one, "and to your offspring", who is Christ'. Galatians 3 vs 29 says 'And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to the promise'. These two verses are saying that when God looks at me (and you if you are in Christ) he sees Christ! He does not see me and my sin, but He sees Christ and His righteousness. Another real encouragement was found in Galatians 4 vs 6, it says 'And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!"'. This means that when I am feeling distant and cold, the Spirit of Christ is still in me crying "Abba! Father!" ("Daddy, Father" - really intimate!). This is so encouraging, as I know that, even if I feel distant, God is called, by the Spirit, to look at me, and when He does He is filled with such love and joy because He sees His Son!

I just need to keep reminding myself of this fact, it is so easy to forget when living day-to-day.

A Cold Heart and The Love of God

Last weekend was the St.Mikes' Student Girls Weekend. We went to a lovely place near Fishguard in Pembrokeshire.The speaker for the weekend was a lady called Heledd Job, she spoke about 'Image', though that wasn't what I took away from the weekend.

For a while I've been feeling 'cold'. I've found it hard to love God and to really love and understand the Gospel (outrageous I know). I knew that the way to love God more was to understand the Gospel and what Jesus has done for us, but every time I heard the Gospel, although there may be a slight 'wow', it just went through/over me. It didn't sink in, it wasn't making my heart soft or warm, and I wasn't loving God more.

This really frustrated me. I want to love my God, the one who saved me, created me and the world, and loves me immensely.

I went to Girls Weekend in the 'cook's' car to free up space elsewhere, this meant I arrived 3 hours earlier than everyone else. After pealing some potatoes the cook's went for a walk and I stayed in alone. I started reading a book I've got called 'Faith like a Child: Discover the Simple Joy of Loving God'.

Matthew 18:4-5: 

"Whoever humbles himself like this child

 is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me."

This book is really encouraging. Although it is probably better suited for parents, as the author looks a lot at the relationship between parent and child and the way that mirrors the relationship between us and God, I still manage to understand what the author is saying from the point of view of the child.

In the time of reading while the cook's were on their walk I learnt about the need 'to be a child again'. Children have an amazing skill to 'trust, love, and live without considering first what's in it for them' and they are so joyful! They are humble but joyful. They keep life simple and enjoy it. As we grow older we seem to forget how to laugh and play so innocently and joyfully.

However, as the author distinguishes, there is a difference between being childish in spirit and childlike in spirit: 'A childish spirit is immature, while a childlike spirit promotes trust and strength. A childish spirit makes a game out of life, while a childlike spirit remembers to find joy on the path.'

After reading about the importance to laugh and play and enjoy life, I continued to read on... I read about how life is full of rejections, as we are all too aware, but God will never reject us! The Bible talks a lot about feet, especially the idea of dust on our feet from where we have been. As we go through life and do things wrong we get dirty, our feet get dirty, but what we need to remember is that Jesus came to wash us clean so that we will never be rejected. Jesus came to say 'No matter what you have done or not done, only one question needs to be answered: Are you willing to surrender your feet to be washed?'.

This thought was challenging; am I 'willing to surrender my feet to be washed?'. One thing that always holds us back from God is our sin, sometimes we hold things back from God, maybe recent sin or old festering sin. Ashamed of our sin we hide it, then we question why God feels so distant: I know I do. What I needed to do was allow Jesus to wash my feet.

Although I am washed, it doesn't necessarily mean I feel close to God straight away. It doesn't work like that. So I need to learn to go to God anyway. The next chapter in the book is titled 'Sitting on God's Lap'. The author looks at a child's need to sit on their parent's lap when they need comforting or need to feel safe. We need, and I need, to do this with God. I should rest 'in the lap of [my] Heavenly Father'.

Hebrews 4:15-16:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, 

but we have one who has been tempted in every way, 

just as we are - yet is without sin. 

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, 

so that we may receive mercy and 

find grace to help us in our time of need."

I can approach with confidence the throne of grace so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.

When raising the question of a cold heart in 'question time' at the weekend I was encouraged to find that most people experience a time in which they have a cold heart/desert time/distance between them and God. I was encouraged to hear that it is a time in which God is wanting me to seek after Him more, a time in which I am growing.

Life isn't full of emotional highs, we experience lows and steady times. What we need to remember in these times is to sit on our Heavenly Father's lap, continue to search after Him, and to trust Him with a childlike heart.