Saturday, 28 January 2012

Injuries and drama

Well the last few days have been pretty dramatic...

On Wednesday night, walking up the stairs, I hurt my left hip. I have no idea how but it just started grinding so much that I was carried to bed. The next day attempting to walk carefully downstairs after getting all dressed up ready to meet Tom, I slipped and fell down 5/6 steps. While falling I whacked my right elbow along the banister several times then fell onto it while attempting not to land on my left hip. I screamed out and my friends came running, in the midst of tears I decided that the pain was just shock and so Chris went to get me a drink and Laura returned to her cooking. A couple of moments later I was in tears again and realised that I really probably should go to hospital. Laura drove me up - abandoning her home-made soup.

We rang Tom on our way up and he came and met us after rushing through the getting ready process - we realised just how much he rushed when we were waiting in the waiting room and I commented on the fact that he was wearing a top I had got him... at which point he looked really confused thinking that he was wearing a top that his mum had bought him. That was really quite a funny moment.

Well, I had an X-ray and they said that there aren't any breakages, but as there is so much pain coming from one part that I'm to go back to the fracture clinic on Monday... so we'll see what they say then!

In regards to my hip... I rang NHS Direct on Wednesday night and they said to take pain killers and wait a couple of days and if its not better then to go to the Doctors. So yesterday I took a trip to the Doctors... they have decided that my hip pain is due to the physiotherapy I'm receiving for my back.. GREAT! The Doctor has told me not to do any exercise which is a bum as I was hoping to do pilates which would fix my back problems. She also gave me some super-strong pain killers (which still don't really do much) and told me to see how it goes for the next 10-14 days and if its not better then they'll x-ray it... this would be fine if it didn't hurt to walk so much...

This has all meant to doing anything is really difficult so I basically have to rely on everyone else to do everything for me... which is fine if I'm with Tom, but relying on anyone else is really difficult. So, I'm not getting much work done (its my right arm) and I'm in pain and I have to rely on others to do anything... so, things are going great!

Oh, Tom, my dear boyfriend, has started writing a blog. Its mainly on sports stuff so if you/someone you know is interested in sports then send them over to Tom's Blog. I hope all is well for you :)

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Walking with God

Over the last week it's been on the back of my mind that I am not as close to God as I used to be.

I don't know if this an age thing, and in growing up I have become less 'emotion based' and so I don't get the 'bubbly feelings' any more. Or maybe I'm just in a time where I don't 'need' God so obviously. Of course, I always need Him, but throughout my first year at Aber I suffered from depression and my family was going through a really tough time, in this year I felt God really closely. I guess life in general is much better than it was and I'm no longer suffering from depression, maybe then I don't need so much obvious support and closeness to keep me going.

I've just found it difficult remembering walking with Him and being close to Him, being confident of who I was in Him and in His love for me. I know things are always greener on the other side, and I'm not saying it was like this all the time, but I just miss it.

I remember walking around Aber, on the sea front or up Constitution Hill and feeling God there, right next to me. I used to feel Him in my room with me and I'd regularly worship at the top of my lungs in my room and spend hours with Him reading my Bible.

I'm currently in the process of reading three books: 1. Growing in Christ, 2. Knowing God, 3. Disciplines of a Godly Woman. They have already taught me quite a bit. I've finished the first section of Growing in Christ and it was really helpful at looking at the basics of the Christian faith, in a lot of detail. Packer goes through the Apostle's Creed bit by bit and explains it, taking each section back to Christ's faithfulness and love for us. Knowing God looks at more practical ways of getting to really know God and Disciplines of a Godly Woman (which I've only just really started) looks at spiritual discipline that will help us grow.

While all these books focus on the Gospel and God's greatness and are really very great, I've finding it hard to understand the Gospel in its fullness again, I just don't know how. I've been working my way through John's gospel which has been really helpful, but again I'm left with the same issue. - It feels awkward.

I feel really very awkward when I feel like God may be drawing closer, and so I push away. I don't want to, its just a reaction. I find the same thing when I pray with people or talk with people about God, I just feel like 'whoa this is so cheesy and cringe worthy'.

I do know that God is good, and I know He is faithful, but I want to be able to walk with Him again and not feel awkward, not feel cheesy and not feel weird. He is a good God and I know that in His time He will bring me back into His arms.